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Embrace realities

Projecting the façade of positivity when situation is actually negative doesn’t help; it rather leads to anxiety, depression, guilt etc. in the long run

Embrace realities
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Picture this: You failed at something or even just had a particularly hard day and wanted to vent to someone, only to find them saying "Be positive!", "Cheer up!", "Doesn't matter". Their instant reaction was to offer you a platitude of what may seem like hallmark greeting cards like "Good vibes only", "Look on the bright side!" "Get over it," "It's all going to be okay" or "Everything happens for a reason."

If this has happened to you, then you have been subjected to toxic positivity.

What is toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity is the suppression of real, negative emotions and the desire to instantly switch from negative to positive frame of mind. It is a constant pressure to stay upbeat and happy, no matter how dire the circumstances are.

Mental health & wellness has long been known to resonate with seeking positivity. So much so that ideas around some theories propose that you should not think negatively at all. Optimism, happiness and positivity are important to us all but not in the face of reality. Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralised extreme. If you lose someone, you are allowed to feel sad and grieve. Saying "It's okay" and expecting you to bounce back immediately to be strong is not realistic or possible always.

Where do you witness toxic positivity?

The question is that where do you not see it happening? Pretty much everywhere. At home, in life, amidst friends, even parents to their young ones. If a child falls, we immediately rush to say "Nothing happened. Be strong, don't cry". As a society we love to try to fix others' pain by offering them positive handouts and yet feel frustrated and unheard when the same happens to us.

Toxic positivity's latest playground: Social media

Toxic positivity has become a trend on social media. You will see accounts which only focus on the positive side of things while dismissing anything negative. Hours and hours of videos about living a positive and always happy life. Many influencers too fixate on positivity and good vibes, urging you to ignore any negative thoughts.

If motivational and self-help content focusing on only positivity bogs you down, makes you feel miserable and guilty then re-evaluate your relationship with such content.

Why is it dangerous?

Toxic positivity involves dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy. This can cause alienation, a feeling of disconnection, guilt and resentment. When you subject yourself to toxic positivity by saying "Oh I shouldn't complain", "I should be happy and strong always", you may end up repressing your emotions leading to an emotional baggage that isn't processed. In the long run, these can cause anxiety, depression, guilt and even resorting to solace in harmful coping skills like drugs.

Why do we do it then?

As a society, we are painfully uncomfortable with any emotions that resonate with discomfort and negativity. Emotional conditioning of years and years causes us to look at anything that isn't fitting the "positive" description as negative. We resort to it because it's the only way we know to respond to difficult situations. When someone says "I broke up", or "I lost someone" we have a trained response to tell them not to worry about it and that it is important to think happy thoughts.

What is an alternative? Is there a way to change the narrative?

Move over toxic positivity, make room for realistic optimism by:

⁕ Emotional intelligence: being aware of your own emotions and those of others around you.

⁕ Learning new ways to communicate with yourself through acceptance and learning to validate 'all' emotions

⁕ Learning new ways to communicate with others through empathy

⁕ Self-reflecting through journaling

⁕ Balanced mindful approach to happiness

Therapy

Replacing the vocabulary

Common toxic positive statements and their alternatives you can try:

⁕ Just stay positive! – Your feelings are valid. This doesn't look like a comfortable situation to be in.

⁕ Good vibes only! – All emotions are valid.

⁕ It could be worse. – I am sorry you went through this. Can I support you in any way?

⁕ Things happen for a reason - That must be really hard. How are you feeling?

⁕ Failure isn't an option. – Failure is a natural part of growth.

⁕ Happiness is a choice. You aren't trying to be happy – You have given it your best. I'm here no matter what.

Send your questions to help@dreradutta.com

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