MillenniumPost
Opinion

Virtual guardian angels

A plethora of misinformation circulating over the internet claims to offer a solution to everything — from curing chronic illnesses to the most unrealistic technical hacks

Virtual guardian angels
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Sometimes I wonder where I would be without all those wonderful people in the virtual world who have been so selflessly looking out for me 24/7 even as I go about the business of living my deceptively mundane life, as if grave danger isn't lurking around every corner. Ever since the email became a popular medium of communication, enabling instant forwarding with minimal effort and at little cost, not a day has passed without these kind guardian angels giving me a heads up on all manner of perils — imaginable and unimaginable — which threatens to tear my life apart in the blink of an eye. The humble email has since been relegated to the sidelines and social media platforms have taken over as the preferred means for bulk dissemination of crowd-sourced wisdom on a real-time basis. And it all comes absolutely free – you don't even have to buy one to get many more free!

Thanks to the formidable repository of received knowledge, accumulated over the years, in the form of forwarded messages sent by my virtual well-wishers, I am now fully equipped to handle any situation that my perilous earthly existence may throw at me suddenly.

On the health front, for instance, I know that just drinking plain old water offers a 100 per cent cure for arthritis, heart ailments, epilepsy, obesity, migraine, bronchitis, asthma, TB, meningitis and a host of other diseases. Of course, drinking large quantities of water may lead to enhanced bladder activity. No sweat, because I know from another forwarded message that consuming human urine (in moderation of course, so as to not get addicted to the great aftertaste) has anti-ageing, anti-obesity and anti-cancer properties.

Speaking of cancer, thanks to a viral message titled "Cancer Update from John Hopkins" received some 47 times over the last ten years, I am aware that every person has cancer cells in their body, which feed on sugar substitutes, white table salt, milk, meat-based diet, coffee, tea and chocolate; not to mention anger, 'unforgiveness' and bitterness. On the other hand, fresh vegetables, juices, whole grains, seeds, nuts and fruits, sea salt, molasses, Manuka honey and Bragg's aminos (whatever they may be), mildly sautéed with a bit of positive mindset will go a long way in preventing cancer. Placing plastic containers or wraps in the microwave, or water bottles in the freezer is a strict no-no. I am fully convinced that all this information is totally authentic and that the repeated and vehement denials by Johns (not 'John') Hopkins disowning its contents are merely a case of the lady protesting too much.

While still on cancer cures, hard testimony exists in the form of another forwarded message that the humble lemon is a miraculous cure, being 10,000 times stronger than chemotherapy! I am told that snake oil is equally effective but the trick lies in knowing how to ask the snake nicely so that it agrees to part with some.

Alone in the midst of a heart attack? Don't worry. Just cough vigorously and take deep breaths, and your heart will make a miraculous recovery. Though your throat may become a bit hoarse for all the coughing, you will soon be in good enough shape to join the National Kabaddi League.

Someone undergoing a stroke? Just prick the tips of all the ten of his fingers with a needle till blood comes out. If his mouth is a bit crooked (if his mouth is always crooked, check if it is more crooked than usual), then pull his ears until they are red and then prick the earlobe twice until two drops of blood ooze out (careful, only two drops or your first aid licence is liable to be revoked). Evidence strongly suggests the method is 100 per cent effective, especially since people for whom this little prick-trick didn't work are not around anymore to testify the contrary.

Being forced to withdraw your money from an ATM? Just punch your ATM pin in reverse. This will cause the ATM machine to instantly suffer from mechanical constipation: The money will come out halfway and get stuck. And, at the same time, an alert will be sent to the police without letting the thief know. I would never have known of this critically important security feature that every ATM is evidently equipped with if I had not received this forwarded message years ago from a well-wisher. Strangely, my bank still hasn't gotten around to informing me about it. Considering the balance normally standing at my credit, perhaps they did not think there was any credible threat of me being forced to withdraw money from my account.

Speaking of ATM machines, I am also aware that you can prevent theft of your PIN by pressing the 'cancel' button twice before inserting your card because doing so will cancel the set-up of any keypad that someone may have fraudulently installed to steal your PIN. I feel greatly empowered by this new knowledge. In fact, I am going to try pressing the button three times instead of twice. Who knows, the prospective fraudster might even be pleased to deposit some money into my account.

These are just a few valuable gems of wisdom I have received over the years from my virtual well-wishers. There is no end to their munificence, especially since the pandemic began. Thanks to their timely tip-offs, I came to know on a real-time basis that almost everything from ginger, neem leaves, bananas and betel leaves to a miracle herbal cure from Madagascar; from warm water gargles with salt and vinegar to mouthwash and nicotine inhalation; from breathing hot air from a hairdryer to nitric oxide inhalation, silver gel, and even the toxic Oleandrin derived from the Oleander plant and the poisonous methanol can easily thwart the Coronavirus. While the virus has fortunately spared me so far, there is a real threat that one of the many magic bullet cures circulating on social media will get me one of these days.

So, once again, I extend my heartfelt thanks to all my virtual guardian angels who have contributed so much to my good health, psychological well-being, material prosperity and spiritual advancement, not to forget national security and world peace.

Views expressed are personal

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