Millennium Post

Wedding night jitters

Every marriage is a new beginning and don't rush to get it perfect – first nights are over-romanticised and you just need to be yourself

Wedding night jitters

I come from a very conservative Hindu family and my marriage is due in November. My fiance lives in Australia and we have only met twice. I'm 21 and he's 26. I'm very nervous about our first night. Please help.

Name withheld

Congratulations! Hope these tips help you:

Go slow: It is very important to remove the distance on your first night and you can do this by building rapport. Start by talking to each other until you are comfortable. You don't have to act like a very conservative and uptight bride, be yourself. Converse, share laughter and have fun.

Let the past be: Marriage is a new beginning. The first night is intended for you both, so don't start any discussion about each other's past. It could be a big turn off and add more tension to your already stretched nerves. Just enjoy each other's company, for this is your quality time together.

Keep money away: Finances are one of the most important aspects of every marriage, but your first night should not be spent calculating all the expenses, incomes, debts, estates and the like. Money matters can wait, first enjoy the night away.

Put fantasies aside: Do not add pressure to this already awkward situation by sharing your fantasies. This will only make your partner anxious and conscious about his performance.

Be patient: Even if all ceremonies have ended, you shouldn't jump into the act. Take time to get familiar with each other. And don't forget to remove all the pins on your hair and clothes before going to sleep!

It doesn't have to be perfect: Relax. This is just the start of a lifetime. It's fine not to have a perfect first night; it rarely happens anyway.

My husband is physically abusive. We have been married for three years and have a year old son. I'm living in hell. What can I do?

T S, New Delhi

To allow a man (or anyone) to be physically abusive is a form of mental destruction. Such domestic violence is the worst thing you can allow your child to witness. Unfortunately, people have the habit of repeating these sick actions if they are not stopped in the beginning. I suggest you stand up and fight it out. Take strong steps and if need be, involve your family or close friends to seek legal advice. Keeping quiet and tolerating is no sign of showing strength or love. You will lose your mental peace, confidence and gradually be depressed. Please take a decision, be strong and stand against it. Good luck.

With time, our physical relationship is dying completely. I need physical intimacy but my husband who is nine years older is absolutely cold. I'm feeling depressed but don't know what to do. Please help!

Name withheld, West Bengal

Have you tried consulting a doctor? That might be required. Meanwhile, try your best to ignite the flame. Keep your kids (if any) at some relatives' for a night and go adventurous at home. Try getting close at places in your own home which haven't been explored yet. The kitchen top/ the verandah/ the roof…you know what I mean! Start the night with your sexiest self and add some hot moves as a catalyst. Also remember, too much stress at work might be the reason for the distance. Understand your partner and help him bridge the gap. All the best!

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