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Millennium Post

The fluttering heart

Transparency, honesty and absolute faith are ingredients that make a relationship – sometimes just let go to get it all, else leave it to live happy.

My boyfriend has suddenly started hiding facts from me. This sudden change of behavior is hurting me a lot. How do I handle this?
Rakhi, Kolkata
Maybe you can try and do the same. Portray as if you have secrets to keep and things to hide from him. Arouse his curiosity, let him be in your shoes to probably understand your present state. If you feel he is cold, not responsive, then maybe, you should consider the status of your relationship. Transparency, honesty and absolute faith are ingredients that make a relationship. Sometimes just let go to get it all. Else leave it to live happy. Good luck dear.
My mother is a single parent and an alcoholic for many years. I'm in college and I feel very helpless.
J. Doshi, New Delhi
Try talking to your parent when she is sober. Sit and discuss how their alcoholism makes you feel. Explain the problems that have arisen because of the drinking. You will probably not be able to convince your parent to stop drinking completely but you can at least encourage more responsible drinking and try to inject some realism into their understanding of the impacts. Make it clear what behaviour you will and won't tolerate. This is not about telling a parent what to do – it is about ensuring your own safety and well-being. Say that if they keep getting drunk, you will take action (such as getting in help, leaving to stay with someone else, etc.). Encourage your parent to talk about the possible reasons for their depression. You can encourage seeking therapy for the depression but don't be discouraged or surprised if your parent refuses to entertain this idea – it's fairly confronting as it requires taking responsibility. Ask your parent to take a gradual approach to reducing their reliance on alcohol.
I'm in a relationship with a man for the last six years but my lover does not commit to marriage. What are the signs that the man is not ready to commit or may be not be the right man. I'm confused, please help.
Miss. Smith, Noida
If your man is not ready to commit, he also will ideally tell you so. And, perhaps you can catch these following signs too:
If your man doesn't share himself with you, tell you who is, what he likes and dislikes as well as his failures and successes, this may not be the right man for you. By being cautious and keeping you out of his life, he is giving you the message that you do not count, you are not that significant to him.
If he does not bring you home to meet his family then he might not be committed to you. Many sons will not bring a date home to meet their family until they believe they have met the person who will be a part of their lives forever.
If your man is withholding and secretive about where he is going and with whom, then you have a problem. If a partner needs to keep a private 'free' schedule, he is telling you, in no uncertain terms, that he does not want to be tied down to you.
If your fellow drops your hand in public, doesn't take you out on dates, but rather suggests wining and dining only at home... he is sending you a signal that he does not want to be seen with you. You can always rationalise why your dates are connected to down time at home, but nevertheless, if you listen to your inner voice, you will hear that he "likes" you, but does not "love" you. And, if it feels like you are holding hands, but that if you let go, he'll be gone... then you are definitely in denial.
I have developed a crush towards my friend's father. He's handsome and a widower. Should I approach him? I'm in college.
Name unknown.
Crush or infatuation is a temporary attraction which will get over with time. He is your friend's father and I'm sure that if you do not let go of this feeling now, you might lose your friend in future. Why don't you try cracking this situation as a joke to your friend and observe her reaction. And also imagine, one of your friend fantasising about your parent. How does that feel? Change shoes and act/react in life. This will make life and its decisions easier. Explore. Play safe.
(Send your questions to roopshashotm@gmail.com)
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