LOOK Back & RETROSPECT

I'm 28, single. I have had four major relationships and they have failed to work. I'm scared as I fear betrayal. Is it normal?

Rajeev, New Delhi

Fear of betrayal isolates us and puts us in touch with pain and loss – but with support we can learn how to cultivate healthy relationships with good boundaries, respect, communication and equality. Starting with small steps of trusting others, it can bring confidence that leads onto more major changes in relationships. We need to accept that without being suspicious of all people. As soon as we experience feelings of the powerlessness in a relationship it puts us straight back in touch with the pain and powerlessness of the abuse. We can feel we do not want to risk another heartache and disappointment so we become suspicious of relationships and people. We can end up killing our desire for relationship with others – leaving ourselves extremely isolated.

I'm in class 10. My parents are always fighting. My dad is sarcastic and my mom is just mean. I feel depressed, demotivated as often I hear my name during their fights. Please help.

Sunny, Kolkata

Speak with one or both of your parents about how their fighting affects you. It is best you can do this with the two of them present, so they can both know how you feel. During uneasy situations, just go into your room, put on your headphones and crank up the stereo if you must. Remember that it was never your fault. Stay confident. Don't let this issue get in the way of how you feel about yourself. Try to say a couple good things about yourself before you go to school or anywhere. Contact any senior family member if you feel there is an imminent threat of danger to anyone in the house.

I'm 46, I think I feel angry all the time. My wife, colleagues complain about this. Can you help?

A. Khan, Noida

Anger is something which everyone experiences, but it can become hard to deal with when you can't shake your anger and you're in a constant bad mood or you express your anger in a way that hurts yourself or someone else. If you are always angry, it's important to try and figure out the cause, so that it doesn't stay a problem. We're hardly ever 'just' angry – it's usually a reaction to feeling hurt, upset, disappointed, confused, afraid etc. Try and work out if any of these causes apply to your own anger – it may help to talk it through with a good friend or family member. Then you can work on strategies to solve the problem, or cope with what is happening. If your anger is impacting your day to day life, or the reasons that you are angry are particularly complicated, it could be really useful to talk to an expert, like a counselor. They can help you process all your feelings about what's going on. Good luck and be happy, less angry.

During my pregnancy my first cousin lived with us. My baby is two months old and off-late I have discovered that my husband is having an affair with her. I'm broken, what should I do? Should I divorce him?

Name withheld

Is this your suspicion or are you sure? Did you confront with either of them already? I am really sorry reading about this. But it is found that physical relationship during partner's pregnancy is a very common thing. Unfortunate but true, men surely have this tendency. Firstly, please don't hurt yourself. You have the biggest responsibility of the new born, take due care of the baby and of yourself. For the time being, relocate and live with your parents/ relatives. Let your husband understand his mistake. If things go good, it's fine. If not, seek legal help and sort life out. Nothing is permanent and this phase will go. Best wishes.

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