CELEBRATING DIFFERENCES

I have been loving a man since many years but he never reciprocated and loved me. I'm very upset. Please help.

R. Guha, West Bengal

It is time to recognize all the doubled-sided loves in your life. One-sided love can leave you feeling pretty bad. It also makes us forget that love comes in so many forms, and we've got a lot of things and people in our lives who love us just as much back. It's easy to let yourself feel alone when romantic love isn't reciprocated, but friend-love and family-love are constant and powerful. Whether it's music, cooking, religion, the arts – find those things and spend time with them. You'll begin to feel like yourself again and realize just how loveable you truly are.

After 8 years of marriage, my wife is in a relationship and has left me. Can you help me identify the reason why she did this?

Ashmit, New Delhi

We marry because we are in love, and we fall in love with those who meet our most important requirement – emotional need. When the one we marry stops meeting those emotional need, we tend to become vulnerable to others who are willing and able to meet them. If we let someone else meet

our needs, we fall in love with that person, and an affair. Once an affair begins, it is like an addiction. The same emotional attachment that drew you and your spouse into marriage is now directed to someone else. So, time shall say the future. Don't worry, all will happen for the best.

My partner has been a compulsive flirt. Though he has improved yet I don't know what I should do. Please guide.

Name Withheld

Any kind of compulsive behavior including flirting is exceedingly difficult to change. Your partner's heart may be in the right place but they may from time to time lapse into their earlier behavior. On the other hand, even though they may not be able to completely let go of their gregarious nature, they may be eager to show their love and commitment to you in many more ways than before. Living with a flirtatious partner can either be extremely stressful or a matter of minor adjustments, depending ultimately on your own personality and how you can handle it.

I'm 39, I think I feel angry all the time. However much I try, I know that I'm not feeling good. Can you help?

D. Kriplani, Noida

If you are always angry, it's important to try and figure out the cause, so that it doesn't stay a problem. We're hardly ever 'just' angry – it's usually a reaction to feeling hurt, upset, disappointed, confused, afraid etc. Try and work out if any of these causes apply to your own anger - it may help to talk it through with a good friend or family member. Then you can work on strategies to solve the problem, or cope with what is happening. If your anger is impacting your day to day life, or the reasons that you are angry are particularly complicated, it could be really useful to talk to an expert, like a counsellor. They can help you process all your feelings about what's going on. Good luck and be happy, less angry.

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