Millennium Post

Secret diary of Ahmed Patel

I am a sad man today. I am a happy man too. Sad seeing the stupid hurry of Narendra-bhai! What was the need for him to tell to a television interviewer that we have been friends for long? Arey, we are two fellow Gujaratis ruling the roost in two major parties of the nation for a long time! We need to be in touch with each other, protect each other’s interests, and ensure that Gujarat rules, either from the backseat which I have always done and he used to do earlier, or from the front as he is trying to do now. But we do not need to go public about this.

Did I ever do any breach of trust? The other day when his Hanuman, Amit Shah, had approached me secretly, to ensure that Narendra-bhai is helped in Varanasi, did I not ensure all possible ways to help him? The moment BJP announced his candidature in Varanasi, I knew this upstart of a guy, Arvind Kejriwal, just a sensationalising headlines-hogging humbug, will jump into the fray to hog the limelight, and it might lead to some sort of anti-BJP consolidation of votes behind him. So, it was natural for Amit Shah to approach me for help. And, see how intelligently I solved the entire problem! Not for nothing do my guys call me the Chanakya of Congress today! First I advised him to immediately announce a safe seat from Gujarat for Modi. The simpletons took 10 days to do so and gave an opportunity to Kejri team to allege scare in Modi. They knew Arvind will throw in his hat. So, why not announce two seats together? And, now, when you have failed to do so, then why waste time to announce the second seat?

Finally when you have announced candidature from Vadodara, I took not even two days to ensure that the primaries selected popular local Congress leader is withdrawn and our trusted man Mistry is sent there as the Congress candidate who has no local identity and it will be easy for Narendra-bhai to romp home. Even I want a Gujarati prime minister after all. My interests will perhaps be 
better protected! But it cannot be just one-sided affair. So I made it clear to Amit. This time you have to give first something big enough to help me to help you in Varanasi.

He understood. He knew that Rahul baba is facing the toughest exam of his life so far, in the form of another upstart over-talkative Kumar Viswas. Do not know what doctorate he has and from where. He was good making some money mouthing poetry, why this craze of elections and media limelight? And that too challenging our Prince in our pocket borough!

But these days you never know. New Delhi results of Sheila losing by 25,500 votes to the upstart is still a blow. So, I cannot take chances. Madam is not willing to take to politics much further, and I must protect Rahul baba in our mutual interests. So Amit seeking support for Varanasi made me see a golden chance. And I made the best political deal of recent times. First I asked him to announce two powerful BJP candidates against the two Gandhis in Amethi and Raebareily, and get this suggestion from outside the party, say by a person like this crazy Baba, Ramdev. And then ensure that the announced person against Madam withdraws and she remains safe with no 
challenge from anyone, specially the mango-men there. 

But the other candidate must start a full-throated fight in Amethi with the sole motive of dividing the anti-Congress votes from the middle and ensure safe passage for Rahul baba. Our last victory was so complete, crossing seven on every 10 votes cast, that I will ensure his victory anyhow if his opposition is broken from the middle. And, I must appreciate Amit. He got the right candidate. Ehi toh hai right choice baby! Who but Smriti Irani? What an actress she is!

And, see my sagacity. I made Amit declare names of Uma and Smriti, made him withdraw Uma after her initial drama, and made Smriti put up a spirited fight in Amethi. Even including getting a temporary house there to make her a ‘daughter of the soil.’ Kumar had already been doing crazy things for a hundred days now in Amethi: buying house, shifting family, putting kids in a local school, going to four villages a day and having every food in a different house! These were done during the British period. We are an independent nation now! Crazy foolhardy guy! I also had to now give a return gift for ensuring my bosses get protected. So, in comes my horse, Vinay Rai. I put him as the Congress candidate, and only when the problems of Amethi and Rae Barreilly are sorted out. Even to the extent that Modi promises to come to Amethi at the last hour and give a last loud-mouthed well choreographed push to Smriti!

Rai is local, an MLA, has a rural support-base, commands a few strong fearless goons who come so handy during these troubled times, and is a bhoomihar in a constituency where eight per cent voters are of bhoomihars. Some Muslim families have been helped by him in the past, and it will be easy to make Mukhtar Ansari also support him. After all a phone call to Akhilesh will ensure some leeway to Mukhtar for his campaign and support Congress as a trade-off.

Have already advised Amit to fund Rai so that he keeps himself busy in rural and Muslim areas, and places of Bhoomihars and Koleys, and pocket most of the money he gets from Amit for campaign. Rai should just ensure that all anti Modi votes are divided from the middle. That is the return gift, and he is doing it well.

I am a happy man. I have intelligently solved the biggest uncertainty of these elections. I have ensured that Sonia, Rahul and Modi (from both seats) win without any hassle, whatever be the results of the national elections. Or, could I actually do it? Happy, yet sleepless till 16 May.

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