Don't mock my meat

A few days ago, a Bollywood celebrity made headlines when she cooked an omelette for her children. You might ask why cooking an egg for one's kids is newsworthy. Ordinary folks like me do that almost every day and we never make it to the news. But then again, a film star is no ordinary person. And it wasn't an ordinary omelette either. Eggs did not feature in it at all. It was a good old-fashioned pancake made out of chickpea flour and vegetables – what is otherwise known as a cheela in Hindi. The article, however, referred to it as a plant-based omelette.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what got my goat.

Now I have no problems with plants and vegetables. Being a Bengali, I'm obviously partial to my kosha mangsho and chingri malai curry. But West Bengal also has a wide repertoire of delicious vegetarian fare – dhokar dalna, mochar ghonto, enchorer kalia, aloo posto, shukto – all of which I love with (almost) the same ardour. In fact, Bengali vegetarian dishes can outdo non-vegetarian fare with their complex flavours and tastes. But they are vegetarian dishes. They are not masquerading as meat.

This new fad of pretending that plants are meat is off-putting. Instagram reels are full of plant-based offerings – chicken, fish, milk – you name it and there's a plant version. But a plant can never be meat just as fish can't bloom on trees. And like the protagonist of Eric Carle's 'The Mixed-Up Chameleon', wanting to be things one is not leads to all sorts of undesirable consequences.

For those who haven't read the book, a chameleon visits a zoo and, impressed by the fascinating animals he comes across, wants to change himself to be like them. So he aspires to be clever like a fox, beautiful like a flamingo and smart like a seal. But with each hilarious transformation he moves farther away from his own true self and realizes that he should have stuck to being a chameleon.

Don't get me wrong – I completely understand the need to cut down on meat consumption due to the environmental (greenhouse gas emissions) and public health fallout. Climate change is real, there are no two ways about it. And since I'm not a dietician I am not going to talk about whether eating a meat substitute is healthier than eating real meat. The jury is still out on that one.

My aggravation stems from the term "plant-based meat." If it is a plant, you can't call it meat. And when you call it mock meat, you are only mocking meat. The ones that really eat meat are never going to be fooled. While the ones that have never eaten meat - why in the world will they want to try something they are not conditioned to eat?

So let's get real. You want hard core carnivores to cut down on their meat intake and become vegans or vegetarians so that Earth can be saved? Fair enough. Let's make it a fair fight. Call these products by their real names. A cheela, a soya nugget or a pillow-shaped thing made out of paneer and almonds. Don't call them sausages or omelettes. That is being lazy. Get inventive so that folks like me are intrigued enough to give them a try.

Remember the woman in the movie 'Notting Hill' who said she was a fruitarian and delivered her famous dialogue? "We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings, so we think cooking is cruel. We only eat things that have already fallen off a tree or bush - that are, in fact, dead already."

Imagine if that were true. If plants and vegetables did have feelings of being living things and all that, how do you think they would feel about this charade? Or the chicken for that matter. Knowing that a piece of tofu is going about claiming to be fowl.

They'd call it foul play!

Views expressed are personal