Beyond the grades

Mira, a banker, had taken her six-year-old son Rahul to a swanky mall to buy him some stationery. She had a tiring day at work but did not want to break the promise she had made to the child. Suddenly, she got a call from her colleague to clarify a particular data. Meanwhile, Rahul’s attention shifted to an attractive candy store. He asked her mother to buy him some candies. Mira gestured her son to be quiet for a minute till she finished her call but Rahul started to scream and cry, ultimately sitting down on the floor. He wanted the candy “just now”! This scene can be witnessed in families or outside often. Children don’t have patience, consideration for others, or obedience towards their guardians. They are ‘rebels’ since childhood. Why does this happen?

Consider another situation. Sunny is a class topper. He does not interact much with his classmates, or socialise with his extended family. He only studies, takes part in debates, recitations, quizzes and wins prizes everywhere. His parents do express their concern over his reluctance to socialise on rare occasions but their son’s success outshines their concern. In due course of time, Sunny appears for the competitive examination and gets admission at an IIT. A year later, he fails in a semester and suffers a mental breakdown. He loses a year and does not return to IIT. The helpless parents wonder what went wrong.

We can easily find a Sunny in a school or college or a Rahul in our social circle. It puts forward a basic question. Are we neglecting the socio-emotional development of the child and stressing only on cognitive development? What is more important: Getting high marks or ability to deal with the challenges in life? Isn’t it time we reconsider our priorities while raising our children?

Often developing good socio-emotional skills and emotional maturity are sacrificed in pursuit of academic excellence. There may be negative consequences due to this trend. Some researchers have proposed that this may lead contemporary students to have higher levels of anxiety and depression. This is true. In the end, teenage suicide due to the inability to score high marks, or get through competitive examinations has become a recurring nightmare!

Parenting styles can play a part in academic achievement and motivation. Parenting styles can also influence children’s mental well-being. Kids raised by authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved parents tend to experience more anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems.

What we, (as parents), do, shows the child how we want them to behave. For example, how we cope with feelings like frustration and distress influences how our child regulates their emotions. What we eat, how much we exercise, and how we look after ourselves - all influence our child. What we say is also important. Parenting attitudes and the resulting emotions (such as anger or happiness) have an impact on children’s socio-emotional and cognitive development too.

So, why do parents behave as they do when raising children? One obvious answer is that they are modelling the behaviour of their parents. Another is that they are behaving according to the information they have acquired about parenting, from books, magazines, websites, informal and formal advice, and so on. Therein lies several problems. I would like to highlight three of them. Firstly, our previous generation mostly lived in joint families. A lot of socialisation and sharing was practiced in such households which led to the social development of the children. If the father was authoritarian, the grandparents were indulgent, they balanced each other. At present, we have nuclear families where the child is exposed to the behaviour of only the parents. If the parents are too permissive or authoritarian then the result may be either stressful behaviour or undisciplined behaviour projected by the child. Secondly, there is no “one right way” to raise a child. Parents successfully raise independent and confident children using many approaches, depending on the age of the child, the situation as well as the intensity of the problem. The method used by our parents may not be relevant at present time. Thirdly, in the post-pandemic era, mobile phones and the internet have invaded our lives. Not only children but also adults have become dependent on technology to such an extent that it has become an obsession. It has weakened interpersonal bonds, lessened community work, and increasingly made us lonely, disconnected, living in the bubble of our virtual world.

However, in study after study, one common theme emerges: parental care and involvement, more than any specific child-rearing strategy, is essential to successful child-rearing. Parents need to be involved and be ready to hear the child’s day-to-day experiences and problems. They have to give them undivided attention and time. In previous generations, a child always had in their disposition a mindful ear due to the presence of many members in the family who genuinely loved the child like grandparents, elder cousins, and so on.

Caught in the web of the current rat race for achievement and success, at the present age, parents focus largely on their child’s academic success and cognitive development as they want their children to have good placement and future. What they often miss out on is ensuring that their child grows up to be a good human being and has a happy life ahead of them. Being successful in life means being a good human being first!

The author is the Chief Academic Officer (CAO) – Schools, Techno India Group SRC initiatives