Millennium Post

Is it me you’re looking for?

Is it me you’re looking for?
I have been on some really bad blind dates. I don’t know how to excuse politely! Can you guide?
Stella, New Delhi
Honesty is certainly the best path to choose. Tell your date you just do not feel the spark as anticipated. If you’re on a date and in half an hour you just know it’s not going to work out, don’t let it drag on. If he’s a nice enough person, apologise and tell him that you’ve enjoyed the company, but that you simply don’t feel the chemistry. Don’t go into details in explaining why and how. If your date is being aggressive or arrogant, you may not be comfortable giving the facts. In this case, I suggest you tell your date that you’re not feeling well or make some other excuse and vanish. I don’t advocate <g data-gr-id="125">lying</g> but it’s fair to excuse politely and later send a message. Enjoy life!

My wife is getting very cold. From the last one <g data-gr-id="140">year</g> she comes back from work very late and takes no interest in anything physical! We have a <g data-gr-id="139">six year old</g> and as a mother she does her duty. What should I do?
Khanna, Gurgaon
Did you try speaking to her? Don’t chase her but please ask her what the problem is. Do not neglect this as it will only create more distance between you both. Sometimes work related stress lead to a fatigue that might affect your relationship. <g data-gr-id="118">May be</g>, there’s something that has changed in you that is having a silent effect on her. There could be other reasons too. But, let’s be positive and try to fix it. Plan a vacation, preferably just the two of you. This will heal the situation and help bridge the gap. Try to ignite the physical element as that really has a lot to do in the marriage. Be alert, sensitive and spend a lot of time chatting and being with her. Wish you good luck and I’m sure, soon the sun will shine again.

I have a friend and I know he loves me immensely but he never accepts it. He never proposed but gets jealous if I hang around with other guys. What could be this relationship and its future?
<g data-gr-id="93">Kavitaa</g>, New Delhi
Unfortunately, this is a very common situation and I really don’t know what’s holding your “friend” back.  You haven’t mentioned  about his background so I have no way of knowing whether he has been burnt in an earlier relationship which is making him phobic about entering into a new one.  One thing you can do is not be so “available”. My advice would be to start seeing other people and when he calls, occasionally tell him you’re busy or going out.

Maybe that will snap him out of the “we’re just friends” routine. The bottom line is - you need to take care of you. He may be jealous and possessive but unless he steps up to the plate, what do you really have? By the way, I would definitely let him make the first move. He’s scared of something and he has to deal with whatever that is before he would be ready for anything deeper. Don’t worry about the future. Handle the present well and all will be good! Take care.

I’m very stressed. My husband is very attractive. He is very popular with women. I feel horribly jealous. We are married for 2+ years and I still don’t know how to cope with this. Though he has never given me any reason to suspect anything, yet, I go mad. 
Name not given, Agra
Unfortunately for all intimate relationships, the opportunity for envy is everywhere, and it would be hard to think of anything more destructive than to constantly worry about our loved ones.  We meet attractive members of the opposite sex throughout our lives and being married is not a guarantee that attraction will not occur. However, to fret that each such meeting is more than a friendly encounter would be enough to drive one mad. Think of Othello, Shakespeare’s prototypical jealous lover. He let suggestion and innuendo destroy a blameless Desdemona and lost the love of his life in the process. Since you state that your husband has given you no actual reason to be concerned, why drive him away with your doubts?

I can only conclude that it is your own insecurity which causes your misery. The answer to your feeling lies within your own beliefs about how lovable, how important, and how interesting you are. The self-doubt you project onto your husband through your jealousy reflects your own flagging self-esteem more than your husband’s behaviour.

I suggest you examine your level of self-worth at the present time. Do what it takes to build yourself back up to the confidence level you had when the two of you fell in love. Guess what! It will get sorted on its own! Relax and be proud that you have such a desirable partner. Good luck.

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