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Holding on to anger

Holding on to anger
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I feel anger, bitter, down and negative. Is this really abnormal? Please help!
Ravi, New Delhi

You may think you need to cover “negative feelings” with positive ones. You don’t. You’re entitled to feel whatever you need to feel. We all are. Often when I’m angry I feel the need to act on it, but later I generally wish I’d waited. Decide that you’re not going to do anything until the feeling has less of a grip on you. In the end, we’re the only ones responsible for our mental state, so this is a great opportunity to practice regulating yours. Once we are able to have a control on our own self, we shall evolve as a better person. This is a practice and might take longer than we think. But, let’s start someday and soon. If you need further help, you can consult a specialist who might help you with some counselling. Good luck!
 
We are both employed and married for a few months now. Can you give us a guideline on the responsibility of the partners? In this age of break ups, I really want us to sail smoothly.
O. Prakaash Jha, Noida

The key ingredients for any marriage to work remains the same for all. Love, respect, faith, space and loyalty. But with the complications of modern marriage, establishing the responsibilities of daily home life are important. Traditional arrangements often no longer work successfully with a two income household. Therefore, a candid discussion about the subject is essential to the mental health and environment of the married couple. This is a conversation that should be backed up have some note taking and even some formal guidelines written for future reference. Though this may seem a little extreme, especially when you are in love with that special man or woman, it is inevitable that household responsibilities will become an issue of ‘whose job is it?!’. Even in a traditional single income household, with one spouse staying at home, there still needs to be a realistic outline of expectations for one another. It is crucial to have respect towards each other’s decision and a constructive discussion and planning is mandatory. Best wishes!

I have a problem. I can’t sleep for more than 4 hours at night! I assume I’m suffering from insomnia. Can you suggest a few effective ways that might be of help.
Renuka, West Bengal

I completely understand the problem. Here are few tips that might be of help.
·  Make sure your bedroom is quiet, dark, and cool. Noise, light, and heat can interfere with sleep. Try using earplugs to hide outside noise and sleep mask to block out light.
·  Stick to a regular sleep schedule. Support your biological clock by going to bed and getting up at the same time every day, including weekends, even if you’re tired. This will help you get back in a regular sleep rhythm.
 ·  Avoid naps. Napping during the day can make it more difficult to sleep at night. If you feel like you have to take a nap, limit it to 30 minutes before 3 p.m.
 ·  Avoid stimulating activity and stressful situations before bedtime. This includes vigorous exercise; big discussions or arguments, TV, computer and video game use. Instead, focus on quiet, soothing activities, such as reading or listening to soft music, while keeping lights low.
 ·  Don’t read from a backlit device (such as an iPad). It tends to hamper our sleeping session at night.
 ·  Soak your feet in cold water (may be with Eau De Cologne) and pat water on the nape of neck before you hit bed.
 ·  Limit caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine. Stop drinking caffeinated beverages at least eight hours before bed. Avoid drinking alcohol in the evening; while alcohol can make you feel sleepy, it interferes with the quality of your sleep. Quit smoking or avoid it at night, as nicotine is a stimulant.
 
I met a guy in a chat box. He lives abroad and we have been dating since last 3 years. Off late he is insisting on my very personal photos. He has proposed marriage and is supposed to come to India this year. I love him but don’t feel comfortable with such requests. What should I do?
Name unknown, New Delhi

Well, I really don’t know what to suggest as there are two sides of the coin. Firstly, if the guy is a genuine one and wants to marry you then he can have some reasons to get really personal. This probably happens in long distance relationships. On the other side, if the guy is fake (e-chats, e-dating cannot be blindly trusted) then sending any photos etc can be really dangerous! In today’s time, one cannot close eyes to trust and as the guy is a complete stranger. I would say – take it slow. Buy time, make excuses and insist on meeting the person first before committing to anything. Don’t take unwanted risks as heartbreaks take a lifetime to heal. Good luck dear!

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