Obstructive attachment?

I began therapy this year and find myself faced with a dilemma. While my ex-therapist is great and very helpful, I am afraid that I got too attached and attracted to her. I found myself counting down the days to our next session. I ended up confessing my feelings to her, but she dissected my issue very clinically and then went on to terminate therapy. She has now put me in touch with another therapist, but I just can’t get myself to start again. Help me understand what went wrong.

I am sorry that you are feeling hurt and lost about the therapeutic experience. While I don’t have all the details, I can help you understand this from a neutral standpoint. It can be difficult when feelings of attachment and attraction emerge in a therapeutic relationship, but your therapist seems to have followed textbook ethical steps to prevent you from being led on, let down, or hurt more down the line.

Has it ever happened that you met someone at a party and instantly hit it off, because they reminded you of that childhood friend? And have you ever encountered a boss for whom you instantly developed a strong dislike because they reminded you of an authoritative figure from childhood? This person may look, sound, or behave like a parent who was punitive and harsh towards you in childhood. Both are examples of transference in life.

Transference is a phenomenon that was described by Sigmund Freud in psychoanalysis.

It is a situation that occurs during psychotherapy in which ‘repetitions of old feelings, attitudes, desires, and fantasies can be displaced and subconsciously projected’ onto a person in the ‘here and now’. In terms of therapy, transference is when a client redirects feelings, thoughts, or behaviours that they have towards a significant person in their past onto their therapist.

In psychotherapy, transference is not considered an interference but is expected, and is a useful therapeutic tool. Feelings from a significant adult in the patient’s past, usually a parental figure, are projected onto the therapist, not deliberately but unconsciously, without the patient being aware of it. Bringing that to light is a therapist’s rightful duty. These feelings can range from attraction, love towards a therapist to the other end of the spectrum of anger, mistrust, and hate, and at times in the form of dependence, parentification, and even placing them on an altar, giving them a God like status.

Can the therapists develop feelings too?

A big yes. They are humans, after all. Countertransference is when a therapist redirects feelings, thoughts, or behaviours that they have towards a client onto the client. It is a therapist’s emotional entanglement with a client. It can again be of positive and negative types, shaping the therapeutic alliance. A mature therapist acknowledges it for themselves and can see the client for who they really are.

Ethics:

The Ethics Code forbids therapists from being romantically and sexually intimate with current clients due to ethical conflicts of interest.

As a therapist, how to navigate transference from a client

* Acknowledge: Be aware that it is common;

* Introduce the topic: Educate the client about transference and countertransference;

* Reflect together: In a delicate yet assertive manner, speak about whether it is becoming a barrier in therapy or helping achieve a breakthrough in it;

* Introspect alone: Consider your bandwidth to carry forward therapy with the client;

* Boundaries: Avoid oversharing personal details or entertaining personal replies;

* Terminate: If unable to manage, refer the client and terminate gracefully after explaining the cause.

How to overcome the loss?

* Do not personalise: The therapist doesn’t ‘hate you’ or ‘love you’. It’s important to remember that therapists have a duty to prioritise their clients’ well-being and adhere to professional guidelines;

* Re-start therapy: Do consider getting help for your needs. Although it may be challenging to start again with a new therapist, it could offer you an opportunity for growth and progress in your therapy journey;

* Process the emotions in therapy: Speak freely to your new therapist about their stance. It may also be helpful to explore these feelings and attachments in therapy to gain a deeper understanding of their origins and impact on your well-being.

Remember, therapy is a collaborative process, and it’s essential to find a therapist who is the right fit for you. It’s okay to have different experiences with different therapists, and finding the right match can make a significant difference in your therapeutic journey.

Send your questions to help@dreradutta.com