Identifying the red flags

To love and be loved is inherently a feeling most humans crave for. While romantic relationships and affiliations help fulfil the 'love needs' of Maslow's hierarchy, the same needs can get in the way of your 'safety needs' if you are in a 'toxic relationship'.

The recent brutal murder of Shraddha has opened a topic of discussion around the idea of 'toxic relationships' that are clearly unhealthy and unsafe. The deceased was in a relationship for a long time, which was unacceptable to her loved ones, and she had even filed a police complaint against him. The country is currently talking about the speculation of what may have transpired between the two and how it could have been averted.

What are the foundations of a solid healthy relationship?

Having healthy relationships comes easily to some people. A mutually healthy relationship is one where both parties grow and are founded in trust, respect and affection. Love is a natural outcome of these healthy boundaries.

What are the various attachment styles in relationships?

Attachment theory given by psychiatrist John Bowlby is a psychological, and evolutionary theory about relationships between humans. This can be in any relationship, like child-parent, sibling and adult romantic relationships. With our constant 'need to belong' as one of the main forces, we all have a desire for closeness and intimacy.

Most of us have a pattern that repeats in our relationships. This is usually based on one's relationship with their parents during childhood. The first relationship with the caregiver has an overarching influence on the social, romantic and work relationships in the future.

The styles developed in adult romantic relationships can be:

Insecure styles

Anxious attachment style: The thought of living without a partner (or being alone in general) causes high levels of anxiety. People with this type of attachment typically have a negative self-image while having a positive view of others. They may dread being single or alone and eventually land up in unhealthy or abusive relationships.

Avoidant attachment style: On the other end of the spectrum are folks who may come across as extremely independent, self-directed and perhaps even uncomfortable with intimacy and commitment. Not being able to bear the emotions of their partner, they are sometimes dismissive and may ghost them for days at an end. Many complain of feeling controlled and suffocated in relationships.

Anxious-avoidant attachment style (disorganised): The worst of the two worlds of the above. They may be fearful, behave erratically, be afraid of intimacy, lash out, be mistrustful and keep bouncing from miserable relationships to being alone and still be miserable.

Secure styles

Such folks have an overall positive view of self and a positive view of others. They are able to accept rejection and pain and, at the same time, also provide comfort and emotions to their partners. Loyalty and trust (giving and receiving) are the hallmarks of their romantic philosophies.

Red flags? What are they?

The term is coined around the idea that there can be some worrisome signs in your relationships, which become patterns. Constant repetition of these patterns can yield to a lack of growth in the relationship.

These can be:

• Physical harm by a partner

• Financial, emotional control by a partner

• Secrecy about relationships and not sharing the relationship status

• Cheating and two-timing

• Lack of open communication

• Inconsistency of the partner to show up

• Poor intimacy

• Jealousy

• My way or the highway phenomenon

• NVS (Narcissistic victim abuse syndrome): Being manipulated and subservient to a narcissistic partner's tactics of power control. It can lead to trauma.

• Substance dependence and addiction in partner

• If your partner constantly shows you down in front of others

• Threatening to leave often

• Threatening to hurt self

• Unsafe environment

• Not providing basic needs of support

• No compromise ever

• Lack of empathy by partner

• Power control

• Cruelty towards partner's needs

• Constantly keeping score in fights and not letting go of the past

What to do if you are unable to spot these red flags?

We all have blind spots when it comes to our loved ones. You may find it hard to observe, accept or acknowledge that the relationship is steering into the toxic zone. In such cases, a third-person opinion may serve as a reality check. Also, introspect how you too may have contributed to the relationship becoming rocky.

• Check-in with your friends and family to ask them about their opinion.

• Feedback from your partner can help. Encourage discussion around healthy boundaries in relationships

• Therapy: Having a therapist to get a neutral third-party opinion about your relationship can be useful in some cases.

Once you have identified the red flags, what are your options?

• Not doing anything and staying the same way suffering silently: It is surprising how many people opt for this even though they would recommend others to take action.

• Stay and repair the relationship: This does require the help of both partners to be on board.

• Stay and work on yourself: Begin with healing yourself and being ready to act in the relationship. Perhaps some of your actions may have indirectly contributed to the current situation. Take responsibility for those.

• Get professional help: Therapy can help empower. Legal actions can help set strict boundaries.

• Walk out: A tough but often an eventual step that some need to take in unhealthy relationships.

Intimate partner violence

About 35 per cent of Indian women aged between 15 and 49 have experienced at least one form of intimate partner violence in their entire lifetime. India sadly ranks 33rd among 151 countries in the list of intimate partner violence.

According to the UN, less than 40 per cent of the women who experience violence seek help of any sort. November 25 is celebrated as International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.

In India, fervent efforts are being made to empower and help such women.

Domestic violence helpline: 181 has been launched by the Ministry of Women & Child Development to support women facing domestic abuse.

1091 is another helpful number to help women in distress.

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