Dilemma of reluctant returnees

My child is 5 years old and recently began to refuse to go to school. He is an active, well-adjusted boy who enjoyed school, but after a brief hospital admission and recently moving up a grade, he seems to have developed the fear of being alone. We are at our wits end and have tried bribing, threatening, screaming, and even with love, but still no success. What should we do as parents?

“Children are not things to be moulded, but people to be unfolded.”

—Jess Lair

I’m sorry to hear that your child is struggling with going to school. As a parent, it can be particularly difficult to see your child in distress, but there are steps you can take to help your child feel more comfortable with the transition back to school.

School phobia, or school refusal, is the extreme fear of school. Some children even become physically ill at the thought of going to school, leading to long periods of missing school for vague or unexplained reasons. Around 1 to 2 per cent experience school refusal, and it is commonly noted after a period of long school absence, which could be due to illness, holidays, or a big transition, such as starting a new school or moving from primary to high school. This problem is multifaceted and needs work on various fronts. No one factor or person can be blamed for school refusal.

There can also be underlying separation anxiety, a stage where children may become anxious or upset when they are separated from their parents or primary caregiver. The main fear is centred around that their parents may leave them or that something bad may happen to their parents. This leads to refusing to attend school or social events without a parent or caregiver, constantly seeking reassurance, difficulty sleeping alone, and, in some cases, vague physical complaints.

How can you help your little one overcome the fear?

You: It begins with you as a parent. Remember, this may take some time. Patience and consistency will go a long way. It can be rewarding on some days and frustrating on others, but then, Rome was not built in a day either.

First and foremost, it’s important to listen to your child and validate their feelings. By dismissing their feelings and asking them to stop crying or just buck up and face their fears, there can be a lot of confusion in the little one’s mind.

Try to understand why they are feeling scared or anxious about going to school. Maybe they had a negative experience in the hospital or with the new grade level, or perhaps they are feeling overwhelmed or unsupported in the classroom. By listening to your child’s concerns, you can work together to find solutions that may address the root cause of the problem.

Support: You can find support in your partner and even in the school system (teachers) for helping your child.

Don’ts

* Do not threaten to leave alone;

* Do not scold unnecessarily;

* Do not cite punishment for school refusal;

* Do not make skipping school easy by caving into his demands;

* Do not give conflicting messages (your wife saying it’s okay to not go to school and you saying that school is important);

* Avoid comparing the child with other classmates or peers.

What can you do?

* Consistently try this 3-step model: use of these steps can help the child identify feelings, feel validated, and find solutions.

* Observe: “I have noticed that you appear upset and worried in the morning, and you often ask to stay home.”

* Validate: “We all feel upset and worried sometimes, and it can feel uncomfortable.”

* Redirect: “Going to school is very important. What are some things that we can do to help you get there?”

* Take a kind but firm approach

* Speak with an expert:

If nothing seems to work, it’s best to speak to an expert, like a child psychiatrist or psychologist. Involving the school counsellor and school faculty for better aid is also advocated.

Send your questions to help@dreradutta.com