'Breakup, But Not Over'

Dear reader,

Let us begin with something honest. The most common reason people break up is not cheating. It is chronic emotional disconnection. Couples rarely end because of one explosive event; instead, they end because small emotional bids go unanswered. Because resentment accumulates quietly and conflict is avoided instead of repaired. By the time someone says, “this isn’t working,” the relationship has often been grieving itself for months.

Why do breakups hurt? Literally and figuratively?

Romantic attachment activates reward pathways in the brain. When the bond breaks, the nervous system registers it as a threat and withdrawal. That is why heartbreak feels physical. You are not “weak” or “melodramatic”; you are heartbroken.

The term heartbroken is not just poetic language. It is a real medical condition called Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, where sudden emotional stress floods the body with stress hormones and temporarily weakens the heart muscle. It can mimic a heart attack, with chest pain, breathlessness, and panic, even when the arteries are clear. Heartbreaks can feel visceral.

5 Must-Do Things After a Breakup:

The goal now is not to erase love. It is to stabilise yourself first, to feel better.

1. Accept the finality.

Stop negotiating with reality. If it ended, treat it as information because by reopening the door repeatedly one only freshens up the wound.

2. Create structure.

Focus on the basic biology - Sleep, meals, movement and make them non-negotiable.

3. Reduce exposure.

Try to mute, unfollow, archive chats and even delete pictures.

4. Reflect, don’t ruminate.

Ask: What did I ignore? What patterns did I repeat? What will I not tolerate next time?

5. Expand identity

Revisit friendships, hobbies, and ambitions that existed before the relationship. You are more than someone’s partner.

5 Must-Not-Do Things After a Breakup:

Do not beg for closure.

Do not rebound impulsively.

Do not rewrite history as perfect.

Do not stalk their digital life.

Do not turn heartbreak into identity.

5 Books That Can Help You Reframe the Pain

Getting Past Your Breakup – Susan J. Elliott: A practical recovery roadmap with clear action steps.

How to Fix a Broken Heart – Guy Winch: Explains why rejection hijacks the brain and how to interrupt rumination.

Exaholics – Dr Lisa Marie Bobby: Frames heartbreak as an attachment addiction and teaches emotional detox.

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing – Susan Anderson: Deep work for those who feel devastated beyond the surface loss.

Single on Purpose – John Kim: Focuses on rebuilding identity instead of rushing toward the next partner.

5 Ways to Feel Better Instantly

Move your body intensely for 20 minutes: Research shows that exercise reduces acute emotional distress measurably.

Use cold water on your face or take a brisk shower.

Write an unsent letter: Venting emotionally in private prevents suppressed rumination.

Call someone who knew you before this relationship.

Change your physical space. Rearrange your room. Remove triggers. New sensory input reduces emotional looping.

If you are still struggling, consider speaking with a therapist. If your bio-rhythms are deeply affected, do consider immediate intervention.

How long does it take to get over someone?

There is no fixed data or exact timeline. Healing after a breakup can be extremely slow and steady. One morning, you wake up and think of them second instead of first. One day you do not check their profile. One evening, you laugh without guilt. In these small moments, there is recovery.

Breakups feel like endings. But they can also be a chance at corrections—refining your standards, understanding your attachment patterns, and realising what emotional safety truly means. Only by understanding yourself more are you more likely to heal.