The Great Friendship Recession

Have you noticed how “friendship” has lost its sheen? No more are we surrounded by “mujhsey dosti karogi?” (will you be my friend?) or “love is friendship” spiel. But there was a time, not so long ago, when movies, brand advertisements, songs, and Archies cards screamed from all corners about the importance of friendship. Were you even really pals without exchanging braided friendship bands or buying into the consumerism of “Friendship Day” in August? These years, the day comes and goes with a whimper. Which makes me think, in today’s world, is friendship passé?

Modern relationships are rapidly evolving, and so is friendship. Covid-19 brought on resilience for some and ferocious socialising for others. But for many, it made them comfortable in their lonesomeness. Not loneliness, mind you, lonesomeness. The latter is voluntary — a chosen state of being, rather than the isolation forced upon by loneliness. Several thinkers have also recently opined on the increasingly transient importance of friendship. As per the recently released, “The Friendship Recession” by Rediffusion’s Red Lab, social connections are fast declining across cultures, age groups, and geographies. In the US for instance, almost 12 per cent of adults report having no friends at all; this is four times the jump since 1990. The average time spent with friends dropped from 6.5 hours a week between 2003-2014 to 2.75 hours by 2021. Indians have larger friend circles but in tier 1 cities, about 60 per cent people feel lonely. According to the report, which seems to have referenced the ‘American Perspectives Survey (2021)’ by the Survey Centre on American Life, male friendships are collapsing faster. In 1990, at least 55 per cent of men had a minimum of six close friends; the number fell to more than half, 27 per cent, in 2021. Women were better at preserving platonic relationships, but the numbers still dropped from 41 per cent to 24 per cent. While these statistics pertain to the US, (we definitely need more India-centric reports), there’s no denying that social circles have been shrinking globally, especially post-pandemic. A UK report by Modern Citizens this year stated that more than one in five Britons admitted that their social circles have become smaller in the last three years, with 47 per cent catching up with family and friends only once a month.

Even as we get more connected through technology, we are getting more emotionally and socially disconnected. The younger generation is even more at risk as more screen time means lesser human interactions from an early age. So much so that artificial intelligence (AI) is quickly emerging as a kid’s primary friend. A UK report titled, ‘Me, Myself, & AI’, published by the non-profit Internet Matters, found in its survey of 1,000 children and 2,000 parents, that 64 per cent of kids are using AI chatbots for everything, including homework and extra-curriculars. More than a third of these minors said that it felt like talking to a real friend. A recent incident from Florida of a suicidal teen allegedly being goaded into taking his life by an AI chatbot is a cautionary tale to all parents.

So many of our friendships today are restricted to virtual interactions and are online friendships only. An emoji or reaction to an Instagram story, a cheeky forward sent on DM to tell a friend that you thought of them, never-ending WhatsApp groups, which become live arenas for jokes, recipes, and venting. In fact, virtual venting has emerged as the go-to survival guide for many friendships. Can’t take out the time to be there for a friend in the flesh, but hey, if you want to complain about how unfair the universe is to you, we have your ear or eyes! And so, a lot of modern-day friendships go years without exiting the phone screen. Between demanding jobs, spouses, children, and ageing parents, where is the time to be friends? You remember that time when you could sit with a friend and just gab away for hours, or drop everything to be by their side and help mend their broken heart, or at least berate the brute that caused it. Drunken nights, video games, a match of footie, or simply laughing and giggling at nothing in particular — become rare as one gets more and more sucked into adulting. And then the weekly catch-ups become monthly hangs, friends move away or you do, and soon there are plains, mountains, and oceans between you. And when that holiday or getaway opportunity comes up, we quickly choose our most beloved immediate family. Friends — in spite of the promises made by our warm-blooded younger selves — never make the cut.

Some people are managing to break this latest mold though — they regularly check in, plan annual trips together, and make sure that they don’t miss the important events in each other’s lives. Maybe they have had the early realisation that given the fleeting nature of life, the chosen family is as important as the one we are born into; sometimes even more for some. Or perhaps and more importantly, they have understood the hidden cost of loneliness, and how whether you’re lonesome or lonely, social isolation can expedite early death by 26 per cent. It’s not impossible to bring back the shine to friendship but you see, friendships like all relationships, need work. Quality over quantity still remains the top rule. But it can’t only be about partying into the wee hours or just vomiting life’s crap into a friend’s willing ear. It’s not either-or, friendship is all of it and more. Because while we do need our friends at our lowest, it sure feels good to celebrate life’s highs with them too. And doing it in-person will be better for the heart, soul, and mental health.

Views expressed are personal. The writer is an author and media entrepreneur