It’s okay to move on
7 Feb 2015 1:42 AM GMT
I think I’m falling in love. Or maybe it’s an infatuation! Can you suggest how to decipher if it’s love or just a phase?
Ragini, New Delhi
It’s very important to understand the differences between love and infatuation. Here they are:
Love develops gradually over time. Infatuation occurs almost instantaneously.
Love can last longer. It becomes deeper and more powerful over time. Infatuation is powerful, but short-lived.
Love accepts the whole person, imperfections and all. Infatuation flourishes on perfection – you have an idealised image of your partner and you only show your partner your good side.
Love is much more than physical attraction. Infatuation focuses primarily on the physical. Love considers the other person. Infatuation is selfish.
Love is being in love with a person. Infatuation is being in love with love.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with two people being infatuated with each other, just as long as both people recognise the relationship for what it is.
2. How fast can I get over someone? I can’t carry this relationship anymore.
Rajen, Lucknow
We need more than a person’s physical presence or appearance to maintain a meaningful connection, but we routinely keep people around because they’re already around. It’s easy to develop a connection with a coworker or a schoolmate or someone who’s always there – even when they’re not adding any real value to our lives. And it’s even easier to stay in those relationships.
That’s because old relationships are convenient, and starting new relationships is difficult – it requires work. But so does anything worth holding on to. We’ve all held on to someone who didn’t deserve to be there before. And most of us still have someone in our lives who continually drains us: Someone who doesn’t add value. Someone who isn’t supportive. Someone who contributes very little and prevents our growth. Fortunately, this needn’t be the case. Several actions can be taken to rid ourselves of negative relationships.
First, you can attempt to fix the relationship. This is obviously the preferable solution (albeit not always possible or worthwhile). People change over time, and so do relationships. Sit down with the person who’s draining the vitality from your life and explain to them what must change in order for your relationship to work. Explain that you’re not attempting to change them as a person; you simply want to change how your relationship works. Finally, ask them what they’d like to change about the relationship. Ask them how you can add more value. Listen attentively, act accordingly. Or, if you’re unable to change the relationship, you can end it altogether. This is incredibly difficult, but it applies to any relationship: family, friends, lovers, coworkers, acquaintances. If someone is doing nothing but draining your life, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell them ‘This relationship is no longer right for me, so I must end it – I must move on.’
3. I’m a widow, 38. I don’t know whether or not to remarry. What’s your view?
Renu, Bhopal
Your life, your choice. If you truly feel that you want to settle down, please do. If that inch of doubt remains, wait for the one who might wipe the ‘whether or not’ syndrome someday. If love rules, please follow the heart. If it doesn’t, just live your life the way that makes you happy. Time is the only power and you should be your boss.
Send your questions to - roopshashotm@gmail.com
Ragini, New Delhi
It’s very important to understand the differences between love and infatuation. Here they are:
Love develops gradually over time. Infatuation occurs almost instantaneously.
Love can last longer. It becomes deeper and more powerful over time. Infatuation is powerful, but short-lived.
Love accepts the whole person, imperfections and all. Infatuation flourishes on perfection – you have an idealised image of your partner and you only show your partner your good side.
Love is much more than physical attraction. Infatuation focuses primarily on the physical. Love considers the other person. Infatuation is selfish.
Love is being in love with a person. Infatuation is being in love with love.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with two people being infatuated with each other, just as long as both people recognise the relationship for what it is.
2. How fast can I get over someone? I can’t carry this relationship anymore.
Rajen, Lucknow
We need more than a person’s physical presence or appearance to maintain a meaningful connection, but we routinely keep people around because they’re already around. It’s easy to develop a connection with a coworker or a schoolmate or someone who’s always there – even when they’re not adding any real value to our lives. And it’s even easier to stay in those relationships.
That’s because old relationships are convenient, and starting new relationships is difficult – it requires work. But so does anything worth holding on to. We’ve all held on to someone who didn’t deserve to be there before. And most of us still have someone in our lives who continually drains us: Someone who doesn’t add value. Someone who isn’t supportive. Someone who contributes very little and prevents our growth. Fortunately, this needn’t be the case. Several actions can be taken to rid ourselves of negative relationships.
First, you can attempt to fix the relationship. This is obviously the preferable solution (albeit not always possible or worthwhile). People change over time, and so do relationships. Sit down with the person who’s draining the vitality from your life and explain to them what must change in order for your relationship to work. Explain that you’re not attempting to change them as a person; you simply want to change how your relationship works. Finally, ask them what they’d like to change about the relationship. Ask them how you can add more value. Listen attentively, act accordingly. Or, if you’re unable to change the relationship, you can end it altogether. This is incredibly difficult, but it applies to any relationship: family, friends, lovers, coworkers, acquaintances. If someone is doing nothing but draining your life, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell them ‘This relationship is no longer right for me, so I must end it – I must move on.’
3. I’m a widow, 38. I don’t know whether or not to remarry. What’s your view?
Renu, Bhopal
Your life, your choice. If you truly feel that you want to settle down, please do. If that inch of doubt remains, wait for the one who might wipe the ‘whether or not’ syndrome someday. If love rules, please follow the heart. If it doesn’t, just live your life the way that makes you happy. Time is the only power and you should be your boss.
Send your questions to - roopshashotm@gmail.com
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