Discussing sex isn't an 'invitation'

It was my last year of college and like every other girl around me, I had already decided that this college farewell, I am going to look super sexy in my saree. But I had to lose weight, so I went ahead, worked out two hours every day and the results were just what I expected; I shed 10 kgs, which made me feel confident. With that body transformation, came appreciation and attention. People who never even looked at me, started noticing me.

I met this particular guy who was nice, well-behaved, broad-minded and was comfortable talking to me about everything and I mean everything – from how much he hates to drive to how many ways he likes to get intimate with a woman."

"It fascinated me and even I shared my sexual interests and desires with him. He made me feel comfortable but he misconstrued my frankness to be a green light. He thought, that if I could talk about it, that means I am ready to be intimate with him. Fortunately, he asked me first and I clearly refused him as that was not my intention/desire, I was just being frank about my thoughts. But when has a no ever stopped any man from trying. He insisted, talked about how he wants to get intimate with me and called me incessantly but I ignored him.

It irked me. Why can't he respect the fact that I don't want to have any kind of physical intimacy with him? This is my choice. Just because I expressed my sexual desires to a person who I thought was open minded, sensible and mature, doesn't mean that I want to be intimate with him. Well, his interference stopped with time but I won't ever forget how disheartened I was."

Men will never be able to get over the physical aspect of a woman. I am not generalizing men. I know some men who can see beyond the sexual appeal of a woman, the first time they meet one. But there are some who cannot just seem to move beyond the physicality and accept a woman as a living and breathing individual with her own wishes and desires (it can be sexual or non-sexual), just like men. And it's not just men who judge but women too judge other women for desiring/wanting sex or sexual favours.

If you are abroad minded woman, who is independent, mature, and most of all have certain sexual desires, then you know for a fact that you are not allowed to express yourself. The society condemns it. They are not ready to accept the fact that a woman also needs to explore herself, for herself. The times have changed. Numerous women, girls do not see physical intimacy as something eerie anymore, if they feel right, they will definitely go for it. It is the society that slut-shames a woman if she admits about having getting intimate. And then the society tells her to marry and have kids with a stranger (What an Irony!). For a country where talking about sex is a taboo, we certainly have a huge population amounting to billions.

A woman talking about sex? She must be fooling around with strangers. She is characterless. Sex is not something that a woman should talk about. Talk? Even saying the word itself? Shame on you – is what many women get to hear. And men would be beguiled with women who talks about it. But then, they would think she is ready for it, if not now, then definitely she will try some other time.

And what happens when men talk about sex, breasts and other body parts of a woman? Nothing. Men are meant to be like that. They should know about sex and sexual activities, the reason? They are men. Having a penis does not give anyone the right to judge or discriminate who and what a women should talk about.

This is where equality jumps in. Contrary to popular beliefs, for instance, the term 'feminazi' used by Shahid Kapoor's wife, true feminism is all about considering all the genders equal.

Recently, Love Matters organised an open mic session in Delhi's 'Office Office' with an aim to spread positive messages and bring out the topic of 'Women, Sexuality and Pleasure!,' Where women from distinct fields spoke about the matter. One of the speakers, Anu Singh Choudhary, a journalist, author and a filmmaker said, "We women are conditioned in a way that prevents us from talking about certain things and this comes from our parents, societies and families.

We are not encouraged to talk about the very basic things. I lived in a joint family and I remember the time when my menstruation started and my mother told me 'shhhhh! Don't tell anyone.' So that's the kind of conditioning we have grown up with and when something as basic as mensuration is hidden, how will you ever be able to talk about your first crush or how good you felt when someone touched you in a way that made you feel really good about yourself. We always end up confining ourselves according to society norms."

Both the genders have an equally important part to play, so why is it that women have to fight for their rights and hide their desires while men flaunt it like they own the world? If a man can talk about sex in general, so can a woman, without being attracted to the person she is talking to. And the fact is that many women, among themselves, talk about guys, their body and what they like the most in a man, but not openly.

It is natural to get aroused by a woman who is bold about her sexual choices but that doesn't mean she is attracted to you. Stop assuming that the feelings are similar and respect the other's choice. An advice: if a woman can talk about her sexual desires, she can also ask you to be intimate with her. You won't have to insist or be awful about it and irk her with your desire to have her.

If you are in a physical relationship with a woman, allow her to talk about her sexual choices and desires. Believe me, it would help you brush up many misconceptions about women and sex. Talking about sex and knowing what women desire only makes you a better lover. We all know the reproduction process and how important part women has in it but we get disgusted by a woman who gets intimate and talks about it.

Last year we saw the movie Pink, where some women went out to have a good time with some guys. They drank, laughed, and got cozy. When the men tried to harass them when they said no to getting intimate, things turned bad and the girls had to run away from there. Which part of 'No' does men not get? – This is what the movie also asked. And in March Anarkali of Arrah, starring Swara Bhaskar also gave a fitting reply to the misogynist society, when Anarkali, an erotic dancer said a big 'NO' to being taken for granted just because she sings and dance in front of hundreds of men. Both the movies gave out a hard-hitting reply – 'A No is a No.'

Respecting a person's choice is the most crucial thing one must learn. Learn to respect an individual's choice, there is always a reason behind it, learn to respect someone's feelings towards you, learn to respect a person's desires, wants and thoughts, if a woman or a man doesn't like you, respect their choice and leave them alone, because it is the only thing that will make you a respectable person.

Many female friends of mine ask me certain questions about sex because they are confused. They can't trust the internet for this and they can't talk to anyone about it. Wouldn't the world would be a better place if a woman, without hiding her identity, is able to share her thoughts about sex? Communication help a relationship progress and strengthen. If we can talk about everything so why not include sex into it? Why not learn about each other's desire and need and help each other.

Having or not having sex is a personal choice. If a girl or any person says no to getting physical, it is their choice and if it is the other way around, then also it is a personal choice. No one has the right to judge that person, they know what they are doing with their life.