Diary of a Dreamer

A little less than two years ago, I gave up a well-paying, cushy job with a leading television network in order to pursue a career in music. It was an easy call to make, although majority of my friends are convinced it wasn’t. Well, it was easy for me because singing is what I do best. After years of struggling with my identity and self-confidence, music finally brought me peace because it defines who I am. The end of my inner-struggle heralded the start of a dream and that dream is now my life. Sure, I’m not making a lot of money (yet), my debut film hasn’t done too well, producers aren’t fighting over my dates. But, nothing can disturb my inner-peace (just like Po in Kung Fu Panda), and I’m living my dream every day!

But, not every story has a silver lining. Sample this:

6am: Fast asleep

9am: Recording a ballad with Sonu Nigam

9:30am: Signing autographs and posing for pictures after being mobbed by fans outside the studio

10am: Alarm goes off <end of dream>

10:02am: Remember you’re late for music class. <run>

2pm: Rush to Studio 1

4pm: Singing Scratch 1 for Composer 1 

7pm: Singing Scratch 2 for Composer 2 

9pm: Call from Composer 3 to re-dub Scratch 3, which you’d recorded couple of days back.

11pm: In train, heading home, wondering when the monies will finally start coming in

12am- 4am: Listen to music. Stalk fellow musicians online. Wonder how you’ll pay the month’s house rent. Feel hopeless. Chew nails. Listen to music. Feel hopeful. Drift into sleep.

6am: <REPEAT>

This is what every up and coming artiste’s day in Mumbai, usually, looks like. This city is choc-a-bloc with strugglers. They come here as dreamers, and this city turns them into strugglers. And this struggle, more often than not, has nothing to do with their craft. It’s a struggle for survival. I’ve seen fantastic singers lose their creativity because they got too busy trying to survive and gave up their dreams somewhere along the way. 

I’m lucky I’ve got a family that looks after me. But, not everyone has it easy. I complain when I don’t get paid to sing scratches (dummy versions of songs which, in all probability, will ultimately be sung by a more established singer of the producer’s choice). I know of singers who’ve been singing scratches for years and are yet to get paid for even one. I’ve been extremely lucky to have got a break in films within my first year of professional singing. Even the best singers of today have had to wait for years for their first film. Take the current favorite Arijit Singh, for example. He’s been in Bombay since 2005. He got his first break only in 2011. Was he a bad singer in 2005? No way! We were part of the same reality show. He was terrific even then! But, he too had to wait his turn. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, and he had to struggle to keep his dream alive. And, look where it has brought him today! 

This wait, this struggle, the pain, the frustration- I think it’s a sort of litmus test that Mumbai throws at us. She does all she can to snuff out our dreams- crushes our soul, breaks our spirit, shatters our confidence. It’s her way of plucking out the strong ones, and sending the rest home. The ones who survive this ruthless onslaught, and protect their dreams are the ones who ultimately make a mark. It isn’t about being the better artiste. It’s about riding the wave, and not letting you ride it. It’s easier said than done, of course. But, whoever’s lived to tell his tale, including Arijit, will agree!

I’ve figured something in the past couple of years. Maybe this’ll help some of you with a dream like mine. There are doors aplenty here. Most of these will remain shut for the longest time. The few that might open could shut on your face before you’ve even cleared your throat. So, do you lose hope? Hell, no! You keep coming back. Like the Terminator! Bigger. And, better! After all, 

‘I have a dream, a song to sing 

To help me cope with anything’

Malini Banerjee is a snotty single child, mountain junkie, playback singer, Austen addict, hopes to soon finish writing her debut novel, and dreams of singing alongside Buddy Guy.