Tied to the Toxic?

Dear Doctor,

I was in a relationship that my therapist, all my friends and everyone who knows me described as “toxic”. He was unpredictable, manipulative at times, and told me that I was the problem. But we also had some incredible moments. He left me a few months ago, and even though I know I’m better off without him, I still miss him terribly. It makes me feel weak and confused. Why do I miss someone who clearly wasn’t good for me?
— Miss Hopeless romantic

You block them. Then you stalk them. You remind yourself of every hurtful thing they said or did but at 2 a.m., you still find yourself missing them. If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. Many people come to therapy with the same question that “Why am I longing for someone who treated me badly?” It could be in the case of a manipulative ex, a draining friendship, or even a critical parent . It’s a deeply confusing feeling loaded with guilt, shame, and internal conflict.

So why do we miss “toxic people”? Here are some reasons:

Familiarity: We are wired to seek the known, even if it’s not ideal. A chaotic relationship can still feel more comfortable than being alone. Psychologically, this is called trauma repetition compulsion where we subconsciously seek patterns that feel familiar, even if they’re painful. Knowing how it works, and ends even if it is bad, seems to feel better than unknown.

Addictive: Toxic relationships often operate on a reward-punishment cycle. One day, they shower you with praise and affection. The next, they withdraw, lash out, or gaslight you. The intermittent reinforcement hooks your brain the same way slot machines do. The hope of getting that “good version” of them again keeps you tied in, even after the relationship ends.

What if they change?

We mourn the loss of “what could have been”. Many people don’t just grieve the person but the potential where we saw glimpses of kindness, a future along with the invested time, trust, and emotional energy. Letting go of that vision thinking that “maybe someday” can be harder than letting go of the person themselves.

Loneliness triggers nostalgia: Emotional pain distorts memory because in the moments of loneliness, the brain selectively recalls the highs and downplays the lows. We remember the cute nicknames, not the name-calling. This cognitive error is called mental filtering which can leave us confused. And it’s okay to feel both things relief and longing, anger and sadness all at once.

What can you do about it?

Missing someone who was “toxic” for you doesn’t mean you’re not healing or that you need to go back to them. It means you had real emotions. It

means parts of your identity were tied to that connection. Missing them is not always a sign to go back but instead a sign to go inward and reconnect with self. Try to:

• Validate your feelings, but don’t romanticize the past;
• Journal to sort the memories from the facts;
• Create a list of not of their flaws, but of how the relationship made you feel. Not loved or unsafe or even unheard?
• Rewire your reward system by seeking joy, stability, and kindness from within and from other healthier relationships;
• Professional help: Sometimes, a therapist can hold the mirror gently to help you see clearly.

The next time you find yourself looking at old photos or typing and deleting a message to them, remind yourself: You don’t miss the pain. You miss the person you hoped they could be, and that’s okay. Let the memory remind you of your capacity to feel and the kind of love you truly deserve. Love will find you, once you find yourself.

Dr Dutta is a Consultant NeuroPsychiatrist & Life Wellness coach (MD Psychiatry, DNB, MBBS) and expertises in depression, anxiety, OCD and stress Send your questions to help@dreradutta.com