Single, maybe (not) seeking

There are way too many eligible, accomplished, amazing single women around than men. I’m certain that a number of women will be nodding in agreement while reading this statement. Just in the last 2 weeks alone, I have mentally counted and personally spoken to five such brilliant women in my immediate circle. It’s not that they don’t want to find love, they can’t seem to find it. Forming relationships, as we grow older, becomes exceedingly difficult, and while making friends feels challenging, finding a beau seems near impossible. It’s a curious social trend, not yet supported by reports, but there are far more available single women around than men.

Depressing as it may sound but men are always in demand. No matter their past relationship status, physical qualities, or current attributes, men always seem to find some woman or another to get hitched. They can marry down both in stature and age, their past broken relationships or marriages are no taboo, even if they aren’t well-groomed or fit, their stock runs high in the marriage market. But when it comes to women, the burden of expectations squashes them with the weight. You must be successful but never more than the guy; beautiful, light-skinned, and slim (is that even in question?); confident but also accepting the man as lord, master, and saviour; homely but outgoing — I exaggerate a bit, but you get the drift that stereotypical bride expectations continue to exist and get miraculously fulfilled. Today’s Indian woman need not conform to expired social notions, and therefore, many are also choosing to live singular lives to escape patriarchal fetters, and follow their own free will.

The successful men that I meet through work almost always regale me with how their talented wives, once astute professionals, are now homemakers having sacrificed their careers at the altars of the men’s ambition. They sound proud of their conquest, of reducing a multi-faceted human being and forcing them into pre-determined two-dimensional roles, that of wife and mother. The men? They soar high in their jobs, continue to party like in college, and keep making large strides in their lives — they thrive. And those women who refused to ‘wife up’ and give up every other aspect of their lives, are today either still searching for their life partner or have just given up on relationships, choosing their freedom and agency over suffocating relationships. Just like my five relationship-ready female friends — they tick off some of the boxes of the marriage charter, some they refuse to comply with (that’s why we are friends), but most importantly, they have led full lives and bear the scars and memories to prove it. And yet another Valentine’s Day comes and goes and they are without a steady partner.

See, the dating pool in India is non-existent in smaller towns and gets quite incestuous in older cities — you circulate within the same friend circles, the same networks, and fewer new people come in and out. The biggest obstacle is always age — if you’re a woman and have crossed a certain age, then automatically a lot of men become no-go areas. These restrictions are variedly placed — some by society, some by our own mental gaps, some simply by prejudice. The singles population shrinks further as you start casting men aside based on the categories of ‘emotionally messed up’, ‘financially drained’, ‘eternal Peter Pan’, ‘still hung up on ex’, and ‘mommy issues’. Once done, a minuscule number remains, and those men can have the belle of the ball.

Moving away from the very real problem of eligible women and missing men, there is also a growing fatigue worldwide with marriage and relationships. India accounts for one of the lowest divorce rates in the world, but is witnessing a surge in recent years. So, whether it is by choice or compulsion, we are seeing more single women than ever before. There are upwards of 70 million single women in India, including those who are separated, widowed, divorced, and never-married. While the latest Census will confirm the final statistics that could be higher now, estimates suggest a 39 per cent hike between 2001 and 2011, and government data suggests an increase from 13.5 per cent of unmarried women in 2011 to 19.9 per cent in 2021.

Whatever the reason for singlehood, it’s great to see brands finally catching up. From a quick commerce platform showcasing a ‘single mode’ to airlines promoting “travel for two or just for you”, singledom is slowly becoming mainstream and maybe, even celebrated. For sure, it’s happening now due to Valentine’s Day but this social shift will steadily pick up pace in the coming times, led by a community of single, empowered women. As for my five female friends? I know they’ll be happy whether single or coupled up. They need not do anything. It’s the men who need to level up.

Views expressed are personal. The writer is an author and media entrepreneur