Marital success knows no single formula

Rina is a successful woman. At the age of 30, she climbed up the ladder to be an assistant director of a big firm. Her salary is handsome, she has her own car and takes vacations at exotic locations. However, when she returns home, she has to listen to her mother’s grumbling: “People are asking me when your daughter will settle down?” “They are right. If you don’t get married now, when will you have kids?” Rina often gets irritated hearing the same complaint every day. She isn’t averse to marriage but doesn’t want to make a hasty decision. She has realised her dreams and has a clear vision of how she wants her life to take shape. She wants her prospective partner to encourage her in her growth and grant her the freedom she is used to. At the same time, she wishes to have a partner who is successful in his field.

On the other hand, there is Mita. She was a brilliant student and had dreams of becoming a scientist. She topped her university graduation and got a gold medal. Her parents got her married to a doctor against her wishes soon after. Though she continued her master’s degree, there were several demands on her by her in-laws. She had to help her mother-in-law with the household chores, visit their relatives often, attend marriage parties the day before her examination and so on. Her academic pursuit was not a matter of priority at her in-law’s place and her husband didn’t care much about her education. She couldn’t get a first class in her master’s degree and five years later, she teaches in the school where her daughter has taken admission. Mita feels her dreams have not been realised due to her marriage and feels suffocated, stressed out and at times depressed.

What defines success in a marital relationship depends on the ground on which we build the relationship in the first place. We can get into a relationship (marital or otherwise) for physical needs. A relationship can be beyond physical. Two minds can connect on an intellectual level. We may get into a relationship for financial security. We can get into a relationship due to societal pressures. We can get into a relationship because we complement each other in our professions. The ground of building a relationship has a role to play in the relationship itself. If the relationship is based on a specific need and when the need is over, the relationship may seem irrelevant.

We often hear about people growing out of love. ‘Love’ is an overrated word and there is no specific definition of love. A relationship can’t thrive only on love if it’s without responsibility, empathy, sharing each other’s problems, encouraging each other’s growth or being there for each other during periods of crisis. A relationship can be successful if two people are happy being together. They may have common interests; they may enjoy doing things together and they enjoy each other’s company, but the first prerogative is they feel happy and fulfilled within.

According to some studies, in a marriage, it’s important that both individuals have realised their full potential. They have fully blossomed as a person with their own likes and dislikes and they don’t have to compromise with it while being in that relationship. Often in a marriage, a partner tries to change the other person to be exactly like us. Coercion can’t be a base for a happy relationship.

Empathy and the ability to accept and help one’s partner form an important ingredient of a happy relationship. Each partner should give freedom to each other to fulfill their dreams and aspirations. A person whose dreams and aspirations have been thwarted can’t be in a happy space of mind and will always bear a grudge towards life. Being in a hurry to get into a relationship pressurised by family or society isn’t a great decision. The focus should be more on developing one’s own self so that one feels contented and at peace. Such a person attracts another person with the same state of mind.

Newer research shows that the ideal age to get married, with the least likelihood of divorce in the first five years, is 28 to 32, (Carrie Krawiec, a marriage and family therapist at Birmingham Maple Clinic in Troy, Michigan). Krawiec speaks about the ‘Goldilocks theory’, that people at this age are not too old and not too young. They are ‘old enough’ to understand the difference between true compatibility and puppy love, yet ‘young enough’ that they’re not set in their ways and unwilling to adjust their habits and lifestyle.

“There is a certain maturity level that a person reaches where they will likely succeed in their marriage and it usually happens after age 25. In my practice, I see couples who are on the verge of divorce. They married before they found themselves and before they had the experiences that come with the ‘singledom’ of your 20s,” said Alicia Taverner, owner of ‘Rancho Counseling’.

From a scientific standpoint, the frontal lobe is the last part of the brain to mature and that maturity can happen as late as age 25 or even 30. Life decisions made before the age of 25 can be problematic because they’re made without a fully developed ability to reconcile moral and ethical behaviour.

“The late 20s and early 30s are when people’s professional careers are coming into play and finances can be worked out,” said Kemie King of the ‘King Lindsey, P.A.’ law firm in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. “It’s the age where ‘love’ is less idealistic and people are a little more real about their expectations.”

If we consider education, as an indicator of wisdom and awareness, statistics show only eight percent of Americans hold master’s degrees (‘New Years Resolution Statistics’, Statistic Brain Research Institute). On the other hand, in India, 86.11 percent hold a graduation degree and 13.11 percent hold post graduate or professional degree. The divorce rate in India is estimated to be only one percent.

Though societal taboo plays a major role for lesser rate of divorce in India, it can be interesting research to find out whether more and more girls opting to complete their education and being in an occupation before marriage has any direct bearing on lesser divorce rate even at this modern Age in India.

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences,” said Dave Meurer. There is no fixed formula for success in marriage, nor is there any specific measure to be adopted for a happy marriage. The only thing that counts is whether we are happy being in any relationship.

The author is an educator, ex-counsellor of the West Bengal Commission of Women and CAO, ‘Techno India Group’ (SRC initiatives)